The Only Way Out Is In !

Christmas 2010

2010-12-27T13:09:00.000-08:00

Friday, Christmas Eve, was our Christmas! Dustin came over after work, around 4:00, and we had a delicious supper. Pork loin, sweet baked ham, mashed potatoes, snap beans, creamed corn, and of course his favorite- Cheesy Baked Cauliflower. Not the "traditional" Christmas dinner I grant you, but delicious just the same. And he stayed till late, talking and watching movies. Bonnie and James were thoughtful enough to leave D and I alone for a time so that we could enjoy each other's company. Not often that I get to sit and talk face to face with my little 27 year old boy! And I soooooo love it AND him! He has always been fun to talk with. We laugh and joke. We all had a very nice day and ate too much but didn't care. We were together and safe and warm, even if just for a while.
I know the present is hard for Dustin, losses and endings, without new beginnings in sight just yet. But he is Strong, Resilient, Very Intelligent, and Wise beyond his years. He will make it through, that I'm sure of, but as his mom, I sure wish I could take any and all of the pain that he will feel as he makes his way through the process. But then, pain endured is how the lessons are learned. Really sucks! I will have something to say to the "Rulemaker" when my time comes!!!!

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-26T09:12:00.000-08:00

This was probably the nicest Thanksgiving I've had in a while. Dustin came early, James was here and Bonnie was off from work too. A small group, but just enough for calm, pleasant company and conversation. Talking face to face with Dustin is always a treat for me. He either actually enjoys talking with me or he "fakes" it really well. He is the empitome of a wonderful son. He shows his love and respect and bears my flaws and idiosyncrasies. Terrence on the other hand has always hated me, says it and shows it. He has never had respect for me even as a child and still is very hateful to me. He just recently told me that if he wanted to get together with me he would put forth the effort but that it isn't and never has been worth it. I am so worn out and hardened by this from him for 30 years that I just responded that he was absolutely right. It isn't worth what it does to me when we do talk or get together. He stays in touch with Jayson, says he likes Judy and visits them or has them over every holiday. So I figure they can all have each other. I know that I have done a lot of the damage in our family, I know that I have wasted a lot of my life. But there is no going back and very little future left. I am at least in a peaceful place with James. He is very repectful and kind to me. Being with him is secure and happy place to be. I love him and he loves me. What else can I ask for? I will never have the life others have with a husband of many many years, devoted children and lots of happy grandkids. It just wasn't meant to me for me. I have to believe that God just knew I wouldn't be good at it. But it still hurts to see everyone else with this kind of life and it makes me feel like a kid looking through the window and watching all the happy families but I'm outside the circle, the joy, the way I always dreamed my life would be.

I still don't care much for most people!

2010-11-16T18:09:00.000-08:00

It's been 2 years to the day since I've posted anything. And it's a shame to say but people have only disappointed me more than I already was in their cruelty and shamelessness. Myself included. I went from working with good, kind-hearted wonderful Christian people to a new job where the leader of the pack, or boss as some would casually call him, is a hypocritical, lying, self-serving ass who would talk his own mother into selling her soul to the devil if it would make him a buck. And of course most of those employed there tend to follow his lead and do what he DOES AND SAYS. If he lies , they think lying is part of the job. If he is disrespectful and rude, guess what? Yeah, they follow suit. And foul mouths flood this place with every English profanity and some I didn't even know. Talking to women as though they were below him, unless of course he is thinking with the wrong head, is normal. But any woman who can hold her own with him, doesn't let him intimidate them (anymore) and looks him right in the eye and keeps her tits inside her shirt is not worth his time. Which makes getting info out of him in order to do your job a bit challenging. But this whole scenario has been playing now for 19 months and I have turned into a bitch, or at least a bigger one. I have let the environment bring me to a new low. Still looking for another job, but hate to start over. Something's gotta give......

People - don't like them, too lonely without them!

2008-11-16T12:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, that doesn't sound very Christian I know. But I've developed a serious contempt for drivers in Baton Rouge, this being the only place I drive. Besides the fact that the volume has tripled in "road ragers" since Katrina, it has been noted in a local survey (me, Roger and an anonymous client) that all of these people are seriously borderline psychopaths !!!! What the hell happened to people using their blinkers and giving you that little smile ASKING politely if you would let them in? Somewhere those well-mannered, raised outside of the barn people have vanished. They are defunct, departed, expired, GONE! I can speak for them, I know, because I was once one of them. A metamorphosis has exchanged me for one of those who can no longer leave a "2 second" safety space between me and the car in front. That guy on the insurance commercial counting as cars pass...1 thousand 1, 1 thousand 2.....please, yeah well he's never had to drive the Rat Race Inndianapolis on our interstate. Not only do the angry over-the-edge psychopaths cut into a claustriphobic space between you and the car ahead of you but they do so with such skill and agility that while you've taken a breath, checked your rear-view, and adjusted that annoying strap rubbing across your neck (otherwise called a seat belt, but that's another blog) HE IS THERE in front of you. You squeeze whatever muscles come to mind, give an "Oh my God" squeal and then start cursing. He is sly and quick and he comes in under the radar. I have now tuned in my radar and am quite accute at picking these guys out WAY before they have their chance to possibly run me off of the road or worse to make me swerve into the car next to me. So now I see one coming, he's a typical smart-alec , red hot-rod (although moms in BIG suvs are the worse), bright blue-blinding lights on, and blackened windows so you're cursing a "black hole" no pun intended. I cut my safety space in front of me to 2 feet. He gets P___ off and moves closer to intimidate me, I look straight into his nothingness, with great fearlessness since I can't see him or her, and yell at the top of my lungs NNNNOOOOOOO! He got it. Wasn't happy, but he got my message. I felt like Tawanda in Fried Green Tomatoes. I felt much better. Although having a cop pull him over for crossing the double white lines up ahead would have been whipped topping on my Mocha Expresso.